I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize