home. puking in laundry basket.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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