My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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