I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
