You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
