got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
