I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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