I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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