I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
