guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
MIDGETS
????
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize