I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
