Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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