he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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