Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
