While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
