She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
