I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is Oprah even human
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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