Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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