I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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