So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
