I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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