your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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