dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
