i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
