Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
