so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
