My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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