I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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