last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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