I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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