thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
