I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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