I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
