when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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