My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
