I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
