I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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