I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
