In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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