Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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