Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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