OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
