and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
