i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
