i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
its not stalking. its research.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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