Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
