You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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