I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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