mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
