A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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