those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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