cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
