Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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