Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
