note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
