My friends, they love my intelligence
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
