Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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