he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize