I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
