i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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