Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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