don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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