He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
