come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
