Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
