I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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