you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
