She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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