he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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